I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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