i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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