If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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