i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
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