by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Houston, we have a blender
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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