I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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