I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
