just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Sext me about skeletons
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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