This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Randomize
