i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
