apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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