It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
