we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
