I met the friendliest cop last night
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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