Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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