she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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