Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
