I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I will be naked everywhere
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize