Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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