Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
