Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
