Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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