my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
