you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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