I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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