im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize