Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize