R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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