The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
