How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
