It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
