How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
