O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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