sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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