Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
