wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
