Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize