Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
