i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize