you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
