he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
