If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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