I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
