I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
