im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
