Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
