My cat gives me a boner
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize