I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
