IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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