I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
