My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
