I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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