he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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