y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
