I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
My feet surprised me
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
