Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
