she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
