I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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