im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
