Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize