I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize