I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
