Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
