K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
