You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize